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Finding your match Finding your match is not easy, but I want to provide a few
basic rules that must be in place to even have the hopes of finding the right
person for you. Yes, you can find someone, but I want you to find the right one.
When I say the "right one", I mean someone who meets your ideals and
is compatible with your personality. I will gradually write several articles answering
this question: how to find your match. It is a process that can be complicated
and has many variables. Finding your match does not happen overnight. Trust me...even
those who say they fell in love at first site have gone through a process before
that moment. The process gives them the knowledge they need and the confidence
to act on it in that moment. PERSONALS FOR TRAVELERS ONLY(click here) I will gradually add more articles to
this site to read. Keep checking back! 1. Who am
I to be writing about relationships Who am I to be writing about relationships? I am not a therapist. Perhaps I am an anonymous wanta be therapist, but not yet. Who are therapists? They are people who has studied research and relationship issues and been coached on professionalism, confidentiality, and what to say and not to say. Often, they are there to guide you to your own answers. And believe it or not, many are as screwed up as anyone else. How do you think they got into the profession in the first place? Knowledge and practicing that knowledge in every day life are two different things. As for me......I am a traveler who has studied psychology and relationships with a passion over the last 15 years. I have personally applied studied concepts to see what works and doesn't work. The only difference is....I haven't been trained what is appropriate to say. This means I am allowed to be human and share personal information with you as much as I would like. Let me share my personal story. My passion for relationship study comes from my quest to figure out what makes relationships last? You see my parents were the perfect couple .....so I thought. Then at 18 years old, the family fell apart over night. My dad came home and announced ....he had been seeing other people for the last several years and had fallen in love. Poof....he was gone and my world turned upside down. My life has never been the same and my information regarding health relationships were deleted. I was about to enter the world on my own. I was going to have to form loving relationships and live on my own. I felt totally unarmed now. Everything I thought I knew about relationships....I suddenly questioned. How can a couple stay together for 20 years and then suddenly decide it is over? I asked myself. They have been through so much already, I thought. My parents rarely fought and my mom was happy and completely trusting. What happened? After much agony and heartbreak, I managed to graduate high school and go off to college. I even managed to get involved in a happy relationship for over 2 years. Then, two weeks before the wedding, he passed away in a boating accident. Again my world was turned upside down and I started a long struggle of analyzing relationships as well as myself. I had started to wonder if I even wanted a relationship anymore, if it brings so much heart break. While going within, I spent most of my time traveling as a nurse and remaining unattached (well 3 months at a time). Finally, I found some answers that worked for me. Twenty years later, I am happily married and just had a child. I, of coarse, still face new struggles every day. That is part of life. But I have learned a great deal about dating on the road, what works and doesn't work, and how to keep things together. I have finally allowed myself to care again. I continue to study and experiment every day. I will
be happy to share with you what I have learned and continue to learn in a series
of articles here. Meanwhile, I would love to hear questions, comments, or stories
from you. Email me......I live for
romance and relationships. It is my favorite thing to talk about. You have to know what you are looking for In order to find the "right" person, you have to know what you are looking for. This sounds obvious huh? But how do you know exactly what you want? Do you think you will just know it when you see it? Let me ask you this...... have you ever continued going out with someone that you hoped things would get better, but they didn't? Why did this happen? Perhaps you need to focus the lens on your image a little bit more to get a clearer picture of what you are looking for. How do you do that? See dating as a science project Dating is sort of like a science project in that sometimes you have to do alot of experiments and testing to find out what you are looking for. In other words, you may have to go on several dates with the "wrong ones" in order to gain the information you need to find the "right one". I know a girl named Ann who dates the same 2 unavailable men for years. Now that she is getting older, she is starting to think that perhaps she wants something more, but she didn't want to go out on any dates to find them. After much coaching, she is starting to leave her safe place and go on a few dates. On the first date she learned how important their manners are. She wants to date a gentleman. On the second date, she learned how important it was that they be a good conversationalist (talk about real things...rather than the superficial). She is gradually collecting data. Exercise 1: Make the list Meanwhile, an exercise that can really make a difference is a list. Some people feel stupid making lists and those people are probably the ones who can benefit most from it because it forces them to think in a different way from what they are used to. Let me explain a little further before I talk about the exercise. Let's face it nobody is perfect. There is no such thing. Of coarse, we all want perfect, but it doesn't exist. Sorry.... hate to squash all you idealist out there. We must get real to get happily hitched. People always say...."do I have to compromise? Well no....not on the important things, but you may have to on some of the smaller things. It all seems important until you are able to see the long list of things you want and where it fits in the whole scheme of things. For example, most of us have looked for someone on looks alone at some time or another and discovered that there has to be more. Ok take time to sit down with a pen and paper and get over your feelings of stupidity and start writing. Write down all the character traits you are looking for in a long term mate. Don't use any judgements, just keep writing. Try to fill up the entire page from the smallest items to the larger issues. After you can't come up with any more things, take a break and come back to the list. Cross out all the items you don't have to have. All the items that wouldn't necessarily make or break the relationship. Try to eliminate as many as possible. Then take the items left and make a new list. Then congradulate yourself. You are one step closer to finding your mate. This is the person you are looking for. If you are a visual person....You may even want to use magazine cut outs or drawing etc. to make an actual picture of what the person might look like. For example, lets say you are looking for a confident, outgoing, intellectual person. You might end up with a picture of someone surrounded by many people, smiling and standing straight (looking confident) with a book in his hand or something symbolizing intellectual processing going on in that brain. Now....trust me if you spend a great deal of time on the list you will then know "the right one" when you meet him or her. Meanwhile, keep your list somewhere close to you. Either at your bedside, purse or wallet. The list also serves to put out good vibes into the universe. I am sure you have read such philosophies. I think there is something to it. Recently, my hair dresser shared a story like this. She made her list and carried it in her purse and forgot about it. Later, she had a man come into her life. He was a great friend. She and her girlfriends were constantly trying to set him up with people, but it never worked out. Meanwhile, they would pass the time together going to the beach and hanging out. This went on for a least a year until one day she opened up her purse and discovered her list. As she reviewed the list, she realized that her friend fit everything on the list. After that ....things drastically changed and they have been happily married for several years. She just lights up when she talks about him. He is everything she was looking for. Ok.....I know what you might be saying. In her case, she didn't know it when she saw it. Thank goodness she had the list. She may have let this one slide right through her fingers. Once you have decide someone is not for you......don't stick around. It doesn't do either one of you any good to stay in the same holding pattern. I know it is much easier said and done. I have cried the same or more each time I left a relationship that wasn't for me. No matter how bad it was....you have an emotional investment. Your heart and mind are not the same. The heart has no logic so it can't relate to what your mind is telling it. It is as though two different people are inside of you. Exercise2: Have a dialogue with your heart. Imagine you are two people. The logical person and the heart. If you are more of a thinker than stay in the logical persona body. If you are more of a feeler, get into the hearts body. While you have the dialogue imagine what the other one would say or is feeling. For purposes of this article, I am going to talk as though you are taking the logical role. Let your heart know that you know what is best for it and you will always consider his or her feelings, yet ultimately make the final decision. Take time to develop a trusting relationship with your heart. If you have put your heart into situations and then let them swim in an unsafe area knowing they would be hurt, stop it. Take charge. Your heart is like a child. It doesn't know any better. It will be angry at first, but appreciate you later. The same goes for a good situation. Your mind is the parent in this relationship. If you know a situation is good for your heart, you must put aside your illogical fears and allow your heart to be nourished. The more you create a dialog between the two parts of yourself, the more you will understand what is happening and why you may have been confused. You will also be more clear on what must be done and have a better relationship with your heart (esentially healing it at the same time). When the right one comes along, the heart and mind will be in agreement or harmony. That is when you know you have found him or her. The heart will say, "is this a safe place for me?" You will say, "yes, I believe it is....let's stay here and if I discover anything differently I will let you know, go and enjoy.....I will be there with you and for you always."
Internet dating is becoming more and more popular for travelers because it is a great way to meet people without having to get out and hit the bars in your local area. As long as you take precautions, the safety risk is relatively low. You may even stand a stronger chance of meet a real quality person rather than a heavy drinker at a local bar or meat market who is just looking for their next prey. I make it sound so harsh, but dating can feel that way sometimes. When you meet someone online, you can anonymously talk to them as long as you want without feeling pressured to meet them or go on a second date. You can look for people's ads in your local area or better yet, you can run an ad. This doesn't mean you are desperate. If you do it right, it can mean you are smart. Let me provide a few tips for running an ad. Be Honest One of the most important aspects of internet dating is to be honest. I cannot emphasize this enough. This is the most difficult part of internet dating. People tend to want to draw someones emotions out in hopes they can win them over and then tell them the truth. It doesn't work. You will simply leave the other person feeling decieved from the start and ruin the whole thing in the long run. You want someone that wants to meet you just the way you are. This is the beauty of internet dating. Your ad is viewed by thousands of people, which increases your odds of finding someone that wants to know you and like you for you (just the way you are). It takes all kinds. Describe what you are looking for Don't try to say the minimal amount of things in your ad. You will just blend in with the rest of the ads. You want to speak from your heart about what you are looking for and what kind of relationship want to have. Nothing stands out and is more attractive than sencerity. Not only that, but the people who respond will tend to be people who share similar relationship values or have a similar vision to your own. Read between the lines Take time to talk to someone online for awhile before you meet them. If they say anything that seems the least bit off. I suggest cutting out communications. Don't bother to question whether you read it wrong. Chances are you didn't. You can tell a great deal about a person by seeing what words they choose to pick in talking online. Once you are interested and feel safe, progress to phone conversations. If you have a cell phone, you may want to give them that number so they cannot track the number to an address. Meet in a public place Finally, when and if you decide to meet this interesting person, meet them in a public place several times before agreeing to let them walk you to the car, take you home, or pick you up for a date. I believe this is self explanatory. Internet dating can be safer
and perhaps more interesting than traditional dating if you give it a chance,
especially for travelers. What a great way to meet people in the area. Dating is one of those things that can be fun and difficult at the same time. It is fun to get out and do things with a new person. At the same time, dating stirs up various emotions in us all. Now, add the fact that you are moving around every 3 months (in general). What if you meet someone while you are on assignment? You will be faced with the decision of whether or not to stay and find out if things can develop or to move regardless of what might have been. What will you do? Wouldn't you know that the "honeymoon" period
in a relationship lasts approximately 3 months. This means that everything usually
seems perfect the first 3 months of the relationship anyway. It isn't until you
pass the 3 month mark that you start to realize the differences you have with
the other person. Therefore, if you don't stay... you may never know how bad it
would have turned out. Perhaps moving on is not such a bad idea huh? Who's to
say what you should do. I think it depends on what kind of relationship you are
looking for. |